CatsCast 27: Lost in Translation
Lost in Translation
by Y.M. Resnik
The first sign of trouble came from the panda enclosure. Speak Now Zoo’s headliner attraction spent most of her time munching bamboo and sleeping. Occasionally, she’d climb a tree. Never in Laura’s ten-year tenure as proprietress had Mindy, the Giant Panda, actually acknowledged the onlookers who paid to speak to her through the universal translation app.
So why was she now uttering string after string of gibberish?
Laura spent the better part of the morning checking the enclosure’s AV equipment before deciding that the translator was simply on the fritz. Mindy was chowing down, oblivious as always, while curious onlookers scratched their heads as the interactive translation display belted out random words. Some sad tourists were even trying to communicate using numerous languages, as if the translator did not boil all human speech down to the same set of Panda communication algorithms for Mindy to be able to process it. Should she ever deign to do so.
No, clearly the problem was not Mindy’s ability to process English or any other language. The translator wasn’t processing anything. Certainly not Panda, but maybe not human languages either.
Laura sighed and disconnected the entire apparatus, explaining to the disappointed crowd that Mindy would not be able to converse with them today. There was some disgruntled whispering, even some audible booing and demands for refunds, but there was nothing else to be done until repairs could be arranged.
Chuck would have said she was being silly. That she should disconnect Mindy’s audio but still allow visitors to pay to talk to her. It’s not like Mindy ever answered anyway, and the zoo desperately needed the cash, but Laura couldn’t bring herself to do it. So what if the visitors didn’t know? Laura would, and she couldn’t live with herself if she turned wildlife ambassadors like Mindy into lies.
Chuck had also suggested she get rid of the translator altogether and replace it with an AI that parsed the visitors’ conversations and responded to them with pleasing phrases and cute tidbits about Pandas, all in Mindy’s voice. He said that Mindy would never attract enough cash flow on her own, and the AI version of Mindy would be a hit on Instagram, just so long as nobody ever found out it wasn’t the actual Panda talking to them. That was when they were first dating, and Laura had refused to let him visit the zoo for an entire month afterwards.
Which is why she and Chuck had strict parameters about their relationship. He could pay for dinner but was forbidden from investing in the zoo and frankly, he was also actively encouraged to keep his mouth shut on the entire topic of “maximizing the zoo’s assets.” Laura didn’t want his fancy MBA corporate nonsense affecting the animals. Although the cash influx would be nice.
Back at her on-site office, nestled between the Birds of Prey exhibit and the Big Cats habitat, Laura threw Mindy’s translator onto her desk. It joined a growing pile of items in need of repair that she hadn’t found the funds to pay for yet. Some security padlocks, an automated feeder, and Chuck’s stupid drone which he had been flying illegally over the property in what he claimed was a Valentine’s Day gesture but Laura strongly suspected was simply a bet with some other dude at the office to see if he could outfly a hawk. Spoiler alert: not much flying had been done. The hawk had clawed the thing into a mangled mess, and Laura couldn’t bring herself to be sorry about it.
She turned away from the depressing electronics and sank into her chair. Her cat, Artemis, hopped onto her lap. The universal translator on her collar jingled like a wind chime.
Tough day? Artemis had insisted on having a British accent, and the voice of a midlife female.
“Indeed.” Laura didn’t go into specifics. Artemis had a beautiful grey coat, purred like a champion, and was great at catching mice, but she was her own creature. She mostly used her universal translator to demand an upgraded cat tree, deny she stole Chuck’s car keys, and purchase Bulgari perfume and other luxury items from unsuspecting sales reps online.
At least the customer service reps were more forgiving than Chuck and his drone. Or perhaps they were just too embarrassed. They almost always wrote off the charges and half the time didn’t even demand she return the products. Which only encouraged Artemis more.
The crackle of Laura’s walkie talkie precluded any further conversation.
“Laura? We’ve got an issue by the monkey enclosure.” Laura recognized the panicked voice of her summer intern Juan. “The monkeys…uhm…they keep throwing feces.”
Laura grimaced. This was definitely an issue, but also not unheard of. The monkeys knew that flinging bodily waste was a surefire way to get attention. They did usually respond well to negotiation once somebody figured out what they wanted, but Juan was out of his depth and likely to get extorted in a serious way if Laura didn’t step in. She’d hired him for his kind heart and love of animals, not his mediation skills.
She apologized to Artemis for cutting their lunch hour short, promised to watch Animal Planet with her when Chuck wasn’t there to complain, and set out for the monkey enclosure.
When she arrived, the area was empty except for Juan and the monkeys. Nothing shocking, and probably for the best. Flying feces were a real crowd thinner. Plus, they tended to attract complaints and lawsuits.
Tonto, the self-appointed leader of the enclosure, explained that some dude in a Grateful Dead t-shirt kept calling them rabbits. They had explained that they were in fact not rabbits, not even close relatives of rabbits, but the guy had refused to stop. So they had resorted to throwing feces to prove their point. Because when had a rabbit ever thrown feces? They didn’t even have opposable thumbs.
Really Laura, it’s not our fault. Tonto somehow managed to convey self-indignation through the translator. Unlike Mindy, he used his app regularly. We were provoked.
Laura glanced at Juan for confirmation. The zoo had a zero-tolerance policy on heckling, which included both patrons and the animals. Nobody was allowed to intentionally provoke or challenge outside of their own species. Half the reason Laura had purchased Artemis a translator was so that she could confirm Artemis was taunting the lions and forbid her from challenging them to a best-groomed mane competition.
Juan threw up his hands and swore that no such thing had occurred. He even showed her video footage to prove it. There was a man in a Grateful Dead t-shirt, and he had been using the translator, but his conversation revolved entirely around his desire to know if the monkeys had ever listened to classic rock and whether they had thoughts on the best artist of the 90s. Not exactly the stuff the monkeys preferred to discuss; they loved superhero flicks but were fairly apathetic to human musical genres, but certainly nothing worth throwing feces over.
On a normal day, Laura might have blamed Tonto. He was certainly not above making false accusations to raise his status in the enclosure. But the other monkeys were backing him up instead of angling to use the incident to dethrone him. Plus, there was the weird incident with Mindy. Something was obviously up.
She detached the monkey enclosure translator and set about a full-scale investigation of the zoo. What she found was nothing short of disaster.
The penguins were attacking their handlers, the zebras were exclusively speaking Dutch, and the leopards were trying to convince a group of kindergarteners that they could beat them at freeze tag. It was enough to make Laura suspect someone was playing an elaborate prank to bankrupt the zoo.
The entire reason people came and paid the entrance fee for Speak Now was for the chance to talk to rescued and endangered animals. Without the translator usage fees as a supplement, the zoo would burn through its operating budget in a week. And there was no way Laura could afford to replace the malfunctioning devices. They weren’t even still under warranty.
Maybe she should have listened to her parents and gone into healthcare or studied zoology. Or at least taken Chuck up on his offer for a job at his office. Although that may not have been serious. The words “sexy secretary” had been used.
She radioed over to Juan to start evacuation procedures while she checked the remaining enclosures. Her last stop was the lions, who were prancing around, begging passers-by to loan them a mirror. Something about the way the male kept fluffing out his mane was suspicious. Laura moved closer, only to spot the evidence right there on the floor—paw prints and a whiff of overpriced, designer perfume.
Artemis was here. Nobody else wore Bulgari to a zoo.
Laura raced back to the office, only to find her cat sitting primly on the porch, Mindy’s universal translator in her delicate paw.
I can fix it. Her amber eyes gave nothing away. I can fix them all. For a price.
Laura’s eyes narrowed. Artemis was picky about her food, and a petty thief of men’s watches, but she’d never been an extortionist. She was mischievous, secretive, maybe even a little paranoid, but she was not evil. So why had she resorted to such measures? Had communication between them really broken down to the point where Artemis felt the need to sabotage the entire zoo just to get Laura’s attention?
“Fine,” she said. “I will buy you that new cat tree. But then you and I are having a serious talk.”
Artemis leaped into her arms, purring for all she was worth. I don’t want the cat tree. I want you to dump Chuck. That dude is the worst. You can do way better. You deserve way better.
Laura blinked as a warmth that had nothing to do with the bundle of fur in her arms spread through her entire body. She’d had her doubts about Chuck for a while. It wasn’t so much a relationship as a friends-with-benefits situation, except they were not even friends and lately the benefits had felt more in Chuck’s favor than hers. Still, it got lonely out there and those dating apps were horrible. She hadn’t wanted to be single again.
The ball of fluff in her arms reminded her that she was not alone, even if she did dump Chuck. She had Artemis and an entire zoo full of animals who felt so strongly about the issue they staged a low-key uprising to get their point across. What was one finance bro who couldn’t even be bothered to watch Animal Planet with his zoologist girlfriend compared to all of that?
“You’re right,” Laura said. “I’ll tell him tonight at dinner.”
Artemis swished her tail. “You know he’d just send a text, right?”
Laura cringed. Breaking up with someone over text was exactly the type of thing Chuck would do. If he even bothered to break up with them at all instead of simply cheating behind their back.
“True, but I thought we just established that I am the better person. I promise I’ll do it, but you have to promise me that next time you’ll just talk to me, OK? Not set the entire zoo on fire.”
Artemis stiffened. I tried. And when that didn’t work I tried convincing him to go.
“That’s why you keep stealing his car keys?” Laura squelched a laugh. It gave a new meaning to all those times Chuck insisted Artemis was out to get him and Laura insisted she was just being a cat.
Artemis nodded. Well, that and I promised the monkeys a joy ride for their cooperation with this plan.
Laura laughed. “Tell Tonto the joy ride is off. But I promise to listen more. To all of you. Hopefully that’ll do.”
Artemis purred, and this time, Laura didn’t need a translator to understand.
Host Commentary
And we’re back!
That was Lost in Translation by Y.M. Resnik. If you liked this story, you can also check out Y.M. Resnik’s novel The Elysium Heist.
This story is about a diverse community of zoo animals coming together to oust a greedy power-hungry narcissist – and for some reason, that’s a story that really resonates right now. And since this is CatsCast, it doesn’t hurt that the cat is the mastermind who came up with the creative solution.
Come chat with us! If you’re a Patreon patron, you can join the Escape Artists Discord server automatically through Patreon. Or you can find us on Bluesky as @catscast.org.
We’ll be back next month, but in the meantime, you can find more narrative goodness on our weekly sister podcasts: Escape Pod for science fiction, PodCastle for fantasy, PseudoPod for horror, and Cast of Wonders for YA.
Today’s episode is brought to you by audio producers Wilson Fowlie and Dave Robison, assistant editor Tarver Nova, and me, Laura Pearlman.
Our opening and closing music is Easy Lemon by Kevin MacLeod.
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Thanks for listening, and until next time, we wish you all the purrs.
